Standards Schmandards
Posted in Dating Perils, Pretty Girl BS on 11. Jan, 2010
It seems as if my blog from last week ruffled a few feathers. I debated about addressing it, decided against it, but have since changed my mind.
I stated the following in last week’s blog:
“I will not alter myself to meet anyone else’s standards, and I don’t expect any man to do that for me.”
Apparently, this was not clear enough so allow me to expound further. I have standards. Lofty standards as some have stated but shouldn’t they be? What’s the purpose of having standards if everyone can meet them? That would render them obsolete.
Why the need for standards? I want to kiss as few frogs as possible on the way to find mi rey. I know what I want so I shall not waste time with those who are not. Might I overlook worthy candidates? Of course but I’m not alone there. My standards aren’t foolproof. If they were, I would be married by now. However, I still care about my exes because we entered our relationship like adults. They had standards that I met and vice versa so neither of us possessed an agenda hoping to change the other.
I see that as an issue with relationships. You date someone hoping to mold them into the man or woman you wish them to be. More power to you. I work on relationships, not individuals. However, I do recognize that everyone may not be where I want them to be when I meet them, but that doesn’t mean they are not capable of it. This I do understand and I support. Every guy I’ve been in a relationship with did not meet my shallow standards but they did meet my non-shallow ones. Thus, they required no alterations on my part. They were already the man I truly wanted.
Let’s be honest, though. Those men were rare finds, and that’s whom I want. Due to my standards, you will rarely hear me complain about being single. As I stated on The 12th Planet last week, having standards means risking being alone. And Reina is willing to sit on the curb twiddling her thumbs until he comes along.
This is what I don’t understand and maybe you can guys can answer for me. Why do people become offended at someone’s standards? My guess: it’s because they don’t meet them. Everyone is okay with standards as long as they can attain them. As soon as something is inapplicable, one suddenly no longer wants to play the game. Grow up. Everyone has standards: physically, spiritually, financially, etc. Some you will meet. Some you will not. Some people will meet yours. Some people won’t. That’s called dating. If I meet a guy who tells me he likes less ambiguous females with a big booty, I won’t rail against him. If a man tells me that he doesn’t respect models so he won’t date them, I shrug and continue on my way. The buck doesn’t stop with him. His standards aren’t a reflection of me.
The only standards that reflect me are my own, and I hope this is the case with everyone else.
P.S. I do hope you like the new blog because I love it! Thank you WebMaster.
Well, well! I like the new look!!
*goes to read the post* hehe
Soooo let me get this right, someone else (I assume a man, right) took time to complain about Y-O-U-R standards? HA! Ok.
Do I have standards? Of course I do. Can i even list what they are? Sure but I just might forget some. Or the better question is: do I hold every man I meet to the same standard? I dont think so and you know what? That may be a reason i’m single. *goes to think*…
Ego is a bitch. That’s all that is. It’s hypocritical for me to cheer when you say you want a guy who’s chocolate, over 6 feet tall and has a bald head and then boo if you say you want a man who’s light skinned with dredlocks.
Both criteria are just traits YOU’VE decided YOU want. There’s nothing wrong with that! They can’t be right choices when they fit me and wrong when they don’t!
Great post. And you were nicer than I would’ve been…lol!
Oh and the layout is TIGHT! I hope you pay your webmaster well…in whatever currency you trade in.
I learned long ago that I wasn’t archetypical of MANY a woman’s standards, and at first, felt like something was wrong with me. When I realized that I was perfection personified (LOL), I then began to pity those who couldn’t love and appreciate my worth. We all have standards on what we like and don’t, so if I don’t meet your standards, I’ll still be okay…and so will you. If no one ever comes along that meets your standards, as long as you’re willing to not settle, then that’s you’re right. Nothing for me to complain about.
Excellent blog and I’m feeling the new site. “Standards” or preferences are always a sticky subject. Like mentioned earlier, people get salty if its a standard they dont themselves meet. But also, people get salty if its a standard that the person requiring such also doesnt meet.
A question that pops into my head is…should your standards be reflective of your actual dating pool or of an idealistic dating pool? Sometimes standards are SO ideal that people wind up going after the same few men/women.
Like mentioned earlier, everyone is entitled to their own standard/preference…or at least, they SHOULD be. But I can understand people getting annoyed if you were the type to spend a ton of time complaining about being single.
I agree with all of this. Damn you. One should possess what they demand, and if you’re fed up with being single, lower your standards.
Hmm…actual or ideal? You must have been dating in DC. It seems like every woman has the same ideal standards and only a few men meet them. I believe standards should reflect your actual dating pool. If I didn’t meet men that met my standards, I would refine them. Thankfully, they do so it’s only a question of timing & chemistry.
Well…I think we all start with crazy ideal standards and then start bending somewhat. I’ve done that myself. But there will always be standards that I refuse to bend on. I actually had to ADD a standard recently, which was a surprise.
Without chemistry, I’m almost sure nothing matters. I’ve known PLENTY of women I’d happily date but there was ZERO chemistry b/w us and I’m not sure anything realistically makes up for that.
Chile, boo. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Your standards are your standards.
To quote the late great Bernie Mac:
“If people don’t like you for who you are FUCK ‘EM! UP AGAINST THE WALL WITH HANDCUFFS ON THEIR HANDS AND SUPER GLUE ON THEIR LIPS!”
People are pissed because they don’t meet your standards and seeing it laid out like that forces them to re-evaluate and see themselves for who they really are. That falls in the category of “Shit that ain’t your problem.”
It is what it is. Either accept your mediocrity or do something to change it. It ain’t Algebra. #kanyeshrug
good post. i support your last blog post and fully support this one.
“Why do people become offended at someone’s standards? My guess: it’s because they don’t meet them.”
you hit the nail on the head. i never understood how someone could get mad at the preference of another unless they truly wanted that person and didn’t meet that preference. otherwise, why should you even care. i read your list and surely wasn’t offended nor did i feel slighted in the least bit. i probably fit maybe 4 out of 6 you listed but would i get mad at the two that i don’t? of course not. i may need to go back and read the comments again to see who actually felt slighted. lol
I don’t think you needed to clarify yourself b/c you made it pretty clear in the 1st post! LoL.
First and foremost, you know who you are and you know what you want! That’s sooo important. Too many people are looking for something in others that they have YET to find in themselves. How are you gonna look for love when you don’t love yourself? That makes no sense.
Seek and you’ll find.
Good post!
You have stated many times you have been blessed with dating high quality men. Have you figured out yet why all of them are now exes? Standards are necessary. I wonder what about your standards could not be met by these high quality men. For some reason I am inspired to think about the history of arranged marriages. For centuries families arranged who their child would marry and life went on. Children were born and raised and the cycle continued. Why is marriage so difficult today? Have we overcomplicated the process? I read an article recently about marriage. It said your spouse should not be relied upon to be your everything in life. Some things are meant for you to do yourself and others for the village (ie friends and family) Could it be we asking too much of our potential mates? Could it be we use our standards as an excuse not to get married because we really don’t want to give up the life we have and make the sacrifices marriage calls for? I ask myself this because I have had a number of opportunities for marriage yet there was always a reason not to get married. How long shall we decide to twiddle our thumbs? How long will we keep our standards between us and our (supposed) goal of marriage?