I’ll Be Alone and Shallow
Posted in Pretty Girl BS on 05. Jan, 2010
Happy New Year! I hope 2010 has found you all safe, healthy, and of sound mind.
How has it found me? Well…before we get into 2010, let’s talk about how 2009 ended.
I spent the holidays back home where I was privileged to spend time with my uncles and cousins. Their ages ran the gauntlet from 25 to 55, and they all decided to weigh in on my being unmarried for yet another Christmas.
Things I’m Doing Wrong:
- Not cooking (This was the #2 reason)
- Too independent
- Spoiled (“Your father gave you too much growing up.”)
- Not Presentable (I need to stop wearing jeans and wear more make-up.)
Things I Shouldn’t Be Doing:
- Letting a guy take me ‘parking’ (My 55 year old uncle gave me this sage advice. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I did that in college. I’m beyond that now.)
The soothsayers in my family imparted other nuggets of advice, but let’s talk about the one they bit into and refused to let go of. (Yes, I ended that sentence with a preposition. It’s a blog!) My generation has standards that are FAR too high. It used to be if a man had a good job and could put food on the table, that was enough. Unfortunately, nowadays, the man needs the type of job that will put diamonds and rubies on the table as well. Men used to be defined by how they treated others; now they’re defined by the type of car they drive.
And on and on it went. I didn’t disagree with all they said, but I didn’t agree with it all either.
I have high standards. No need to lie or be apologetic about it. Not many men meet my standards. I’m okay with that. There shall be no compromise. I also know that I don’t meet the standards of some men. I’m okay with that as well. I will not alter myself to meet anyone else’s standards, and I don’t expect any man to do that for me. Just keep knocking until you find that door that opens for you because I definitely will.
I judge a man by his character, his personality, his identity, his faith. There is nothing a man can possess that will usurp these things for me. Nada (unless he owns Ferragamo’s or something. Joking…kinda.) I know what’s most important as I’ve stated before.
Yet…
That isn’t to say I don’t give into shallowness when it comes to dating. I want the crème de la crème, and I won’t settle for any man less than that. I can’t give you an exact list, but I can give you an idea of what I’m looking for.
- A man should be settled into his career. He shouldn’t be still finding himself. His feet should be in the door and on his journey.
- His car shouldn’t look a college freshman’s car. If your car looks like something a father gave to his son, the high school graduate, you really shouldn’t even approach me. It’s possible that you’re conserving your finances, saving for a house, etc. These are respectful things, but I’ll probably overlook you.
- He should own or be only a couple of years away from doing so. You need property. If by a certain age, you’re still renting, I’m going to think your credit is shite or you’re uncertain of your life’s path.
- He shall not dress like my 17 year old cousin.
- He should have a vocabulary that makes me believe he has Word of the Day calendars. If you sound like Hot 97, you and I have nothing in common.
- He shall not have baby mama drama. I don’t care if you have children, though my preference is none. But if the mother of your seeds will constantly bring drama to my doorstep in whatever fashion, go away and try me again when you’ve gotten it settled.
I think that’s enough for you. You get the idea. These are my shallowed, Reina-tailored standards. Maybe some of you disagree. Some of you will probably offensively tell me that I may not meet the standards of the men I’m pursuing. Eh…if that were the case, there’s a possibility I may compromise. Nah, no, I wouldn’t. I don’t believe in demanding what one doesn’t possess, and I hold myself to the same standards that I hold others. Thankfully, my non-shallow standards and shallow standards have coincided multiple times. I know the kind of man I want.
I don’t sleep with men that I couldn’t imagine having a family with. That doesn’t mean when I see him, I’m hearing wedding bells. It means that if he mistakenly gets me pregnant, he’s the type of father I want my children to have. I won’t burden my children with a deadbeat father. If I can’t trust a man in that regard, he’ll never meet my bedroom door.
I want the man that if my world falls apart around me, he’ll pull me from the rumble. I want the type of man I can hand my life over to unhesitatingly. I want the man that can lead me.
I didn’t settle for anything less in 2009, and I won’t in 2010. I’ll go through 20 Christmases alone before I compromise.
(I may look into this parking thing, though. It used to be fun.)
[...]
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Please educate the immigrant. What exactly is “Letting a guy take you ‘parking’”? It sounds like something i’ll like to get into…i think.
I didnt spend the Chritmas with my big, vocal, loving, critical and tender family but I hear it almost every time I’m around them. So now that you’re done with school, a baby is next, right? When are you going to get married? And my personal favorite: when are you going to give me a grandbaby/cousin/niece or nephew? The person usually goes on to say that So-So just had her/his 2nd or 3rd baby…love it! Not!
Maybe this year I’ll find THE husband-worthy man that I deserve…maybe not. Either way, life goes on. I’ll continue to work on myself.
Parking just means making out in a parked car in a dark place. I’m sure you’ve already gotten into it.
Maybe this year, you will. Maybe this year, you won’t. Either way, you want the man that’s worthy, not just any man.
Ohhhh I like the idea of parking. Would you believe that i havent partaken in that yet? Where have I been??!
I couldnt have said it better. I want a man (uh…sometimes…like now when it’s so cold outside) but not going to worry myself over just any man. Amen!
A word of advice for anyone who wants it: if you settle for less, you get what you deserve.
When people start settling for less, they start to question their worth. Folks are not holding out for what they truly want and deserve because they’ve convinced themselves they are not worth it.
I commend you for sticking to your guns and refusing to settle. Maybe if some folks hadn’t settled, there would be less divorces and bullshit relationshits for the sake of saying you have someone in your bed.
When I get the “you ain’t married yet” question from my uncles at family gatherings, I tell ‘em “I ain’t crazy yet,either.”
Now, they’re whispering behind my back tryna find out if I “go the other way.”
Let ‘em talk. I do. If these mofos ain’t affecting how I pay Duke Power, I could give a shit.
Hmm. I guess I’m lucky in that regard. My family never pressured me into marrying. In fact, I had the opposite problem. They didn’t want me to marry too soon. (I was 26 when I did). They also didn’t want us having kids too early either (I was 31 and 34, she was 33/36 when we did).
That said though, I think you’re doing the right thing.. Ignore it, laugh about it, tell them to go scratch, but don’t give in to their selfish demands for a nieto/nieta/primo/sobrino/sobrina. They get to ooh, and aah, and spoil them rotten, while you get to go home and do the hard work of raising them. Meanwhile when you need some help, there’s always “peros”. Kids are a LOT of work. Going it with the wrong partner (or worse, like you said, a deadbeat) is NO way to raise a kid/kids.
I applaud your standards – though I consider myself a good man, but I wouldn’t meet your lofty standards… I’m still learning who I am, where I’m going, where life will take me next. My wife and I like to think of it that we’re discovering the journey together – as opposed to one leading the other to our destination. But that’s just us.
Now see here’s the thing. From the small amount of interaction I’ve had with you, you read like a great man. And that’s all I want…a GREAT man. I have shallow standards, but as I stated, they do not rank as high as my non-shallow ones. And you seem to possess all those.
Not that I’m hitting on you or anything. I don’t need a pissed off Latina after me.
I believe that every woman should have a standard. Trust me, if a guy really wants to be with you then he will respect those standards and step up to meet and exceed them. Now you know I’m your boy and I’ve always got your back but I think that you’re being real hard in a couple of those standards. You may just pass over the man of your dreams because he wasnt where you thought that he should be in his life. He may have a solid plan and be on track and get derailed by “life.” Unfortunately that happens, but it seems that if he met you during the time that “life” had derailed his plan and was working his way back, then he doesnt have a shot with you. Seems a bit unfair but thats just my opinion. I feel you on the shitty credit thing so he may be renting as a result of that. But I could think of a million scenarios that may have happened that caused him to find himself with credit that is not so stellar and none are because he couldnt manage his finances. Life does happen and things can change in an instant. There are probably a lot of women that have similar standards and I would tell them the exact same thing. Don’t overlook that blue collar brother in his garage uniform that drives a pick up truck and stays in a small apt. because he is saving every dime to open up his own garage. Don’t overlook that white collar brother that lost his job unexpectedly and is hustling to bring it back together and is now looking to start his own business. Don’t overlook that brother that was divorced and his credit took a hit because of it but he does everything to take care of his kids. Don’t relax your standards but don’t close your eyes to the possiblities that a brother may have exactly what you need but its not on the surface and he may just be the one that God has planned for you. Remember, a relationship is about building together. It is a partnership. There is no “I” in team but there is an “I” in Reina and it should be to a certain extent. But there has to be more “we” than “I.” Thess are just my opinions from what I read and how I read it. Still got nothin’ but love for ya though!
You think I’m being hard in my standards, but the keyword is MY. They’re mine. No one should tell you to compromise what’s yours.
These are my standards, and yes, they’re shallow. But as I stated, my non-shallow standards are what’s important to me. The examples you put in your comment, if they met those standards, then something could grow. The problem is, as you stated, that I may overlook them. I probably have overlooked them, but doesn’t every person with standards run that risk?
You absolutely shouldn’t settle, although I do believe your uncles deserve some sort of television show. I think your golden rule-esque approach is terrific. You’re not asking for things you cannot deliver yourself. That is key…
That and parking.
Fabie – How have you never done that!! He’s got a car, but your parents are home and his parents are home so you gotta go somewhere else to get your nookee…voila! Parking!! I’m gonna get a guy to take you parking posthaste!!
I would never tell you compromise your standards…ever. And yeah you run the risk of overlooking them. I’m just saying to keep your eyes open for the possibilities of seeing a diamond in the rough. At face value it may just look like a rock when in essence…it was a diamond all along.
i think i would agree with this line of thinking. everyone has standards and i know that i have a whole lot of standards. lol maybe i should be taking this advice myself.
Your standards are quite specific. But I think it’s a great thing. You don’t want to blow in the wind like a plastic bag. It’ll be very interesting to see the guy you end up with. I don’t see you as being alone. You just have to find a guy on your level. You bring a lot to the table and it’s completely fair to demand the same in return.
Very good post!
I’m not mad at you for having standards. In fact, I’d be surprised if you DIDN’T have standards!
You want your man to be…well…a MAN. And one can only respect that!
Ay the Latino family and their constant nagging of, “when are you getting married/having kids/etc, etc, etc” FUN TIMES!
With me it’s:
Ay pero you and [ex-husband] seemed so happy…you won’t take him back? (UMMMMM, let me think about it NOOOOOOOOOO! And it’s been 4yrs so please get over it)
or
Nena pero tu no tiene novio? (Kindly mind your damn business about my lovelife. Thank you and goodnight!)
It’s like they have this special talent to make you feel like everything you’re doing is wrong smh
Hey…you are a rare commodity in that you KNOW just how much you have to offer (and you still might be underestimating that quantity), so I applaud your decision to not accept what which is below your standards. You’ve set the bar pretty high, but when you meet the guy that can ascend to or beyond your standards, then there’s no reason to ever question whether or not you’re settling. I think it’s best to just be single than to be entangled in one of the b.s. relationships that Smarty P. mentioned. Great post.