Cheating reveals what exactly?
Posted in Dating Perils on 02. Dec, 2009
In my last blog, I spoke of being competitive in one’s pursuit of the opposite sex. A commenter, Moeguns, left the following advisement:
Not just dating, but relationships as a whole are a competition. No matter the stage, there’s always going to be someone jockeying for your spot. So the implementation of the “A game” is never-ending.
I could not agree with him more, and upon reading his comment, I was inspired to write a blog on how the competition never ends. Unfortunately, my job never gets off my back (My Thanksgiving dinner was Subway) so I hadn’t had the opportunity to pen it yet. However, with the riveting drama of Tiger Woods being the hot topic of moment, I have been inspired to do just that and postpone this flow chart that has been due since Monday. (If anyone of you knows anything about flow charts, get at me on GChat.)
Cheating is a sensitive subject for a lot of people, especially women. When the Alicia Keys/Swizz Beatz/Mashonda situation reared its head, poor Superwoman was ripped a new anus from everyone as if she’d taken their man. It didn’t affect my life so I didn’t really care, but I truly didn’t understand where the animosity was coming from? Had women placed Ms. Keys upon this pedestal and believed she was the type of woman who would never become the side chick? Or was it because her side chick-ness was so potent that she actually did prove that myth of “him never leaving his wife” incorrect? I think her “success” reminded unsuccessful “other women” of their failures.
Cheating happens. Its existence has been proven time & time again. I do not know why people were dumbfounded about Alicia or currently riveted by knowing this side of Tiger Woods. Anyone is capable of anything.
Did that last statement make me sound jaded? I hope not. I prefer being called aware. Cheating isn’t exclusive to any race, gender, sexuality, class, fame/fortune/power status. (Those are only excuses, excuses that we grant them!) This does not mean that I expect every man or woman to cheat. I would never enter into a relationship if I believed that. I just don’t support generalizations. All men are not cheaters/ liars. There does not exist a predisposed gene that wakes up when one’s bank account hits a certain amount. When I hear about a man cheating, my first (or any) response isn’t “Well, he’s a man/famous/attractive/ etc. What did you expect?”
Neither is my response “Why?” There is no satisfactory answer to that question. You can’t predict who will cheat and who won’t. Precedence should be taken into consideration, but people can change. He/she having cheated before is not definitive of what will transpire in the future.
Furthermore, you can’t prevent cheating because you cannot control another’s actions. If he/ she cheats, it was their decision. You didn’t influence it. You didn’t provide the opportunity.
Being 20 pounds lighter would not have kept him faithful. That person made a choice. If you would’ve checked his phone that day, maybe you could’ve prevented it… THAT TIME. He has just given you proof that he will step out on you. What are you going to do? Go through his phone each day for the rest of your lives? And some of you have made just that decision.
I don’t worry about my guy cheating on me. I’ve dated actors, musicians, CEOs and didn’t stress about infidelity from any of them. I don’t go through phones. I don’t stalk his condo. I couldn’t care less what someone writes on his Facebook wall or who he follows on Twitter. I trust him to be the great man that he has shown/proven himself to be. That’s why I committed myself to him. If you spend your relationship constantly expecting/waiting for this man to cheat on you, the last thing you need to be is in a relationship. If you don’t trust him, why are you with him?
Have I been cheated on? Yes, 1.5 times. One time for certain because I caught him in the act. The .5 is because I have an ex who believes, though we broke up for other reasons, that I don’t know he was stepping out on me. Unfortunately or fortunately, I didn’t stick around long enough to verify it. I’d stopped caring by then. Yet and still, I enter new relationships trustfully because I learned from my mistakes (and both of them were). I choose wiser now. My (shallow & lofty, blog in the making) standards haven’t lowered, and I’m well-aware, as Moeguns said, that someone is always jockeying for my position. I can’t stress about the competition, though. The reasons why he committed me will continue to exist after the commitment has been made. If he can’t keep my dick to himself, well, it was never truly my dick, was it?
If someone is going to cheat on you, they will. Stop stressing about it. Stop expecting it. Cheating is a weakness. My advice: stop dating weak individuals. Start making better choices when it comes to relationships. Do not rush into them. Find out who he/she is before you open your legs/bank account. And if you know he’s a cheater, recognize that you can’t change a person. Stop relegating yourself to being a Navy Seal in your relationship in hopes of preventing what has been proven to be an eventuality. I’ve said it time & time again. Women today are so afraid of society’s stigma about being single that when an opportunity presents itself, we jump on it. Slow down. Stop. Listen. Observe. People will cheat. That does not guarantee that every person will. Men haven’t jaded you. You’ve jaded yourself. Just as it was his decision to cheat, it has been your decision to keep dating the same man in different packages. Every man isn’t a cheater, just the ones you’ve chosen to date. Learn the difference.
(If you read all of this, I owe you a Christmas gift. Thankfully, all of you are Jewish.)
You are one bad-ass bi_ch! Pendejo el hombre que te deja ir.
LMAO! Those first two pictures are rough!!
I agree with you though. If he cheats on you, he was never yours. Or he was yours and you just were lying to yourself about what you really had.
Oh and for the girls who’ve been cheated on 4 and 5 times, you should really re-read the following:
“Just as it was his decision to cheat, it has been your decision to keep dating the same man in different packages. Every man isn’t a cheater, just the ones you’ve chosen to date.”
*sigh* cheating…What more needs to be said? It is one’s choice to cheat and to me, it boils down to respect. If you dont want to be with someone for whatever reason, break up with them before you step out with anyone. It sounds easy but I know it’s more complicated then that.
I always try to follow my instincts when it comes to things of this nature. I have resisted doing so because it wasnt the way I wanted things to turn out but now I know better.
Slow down. Stop. Listen. Observe. That is all
i seriously dislike the term “you took him/her from me”. people are not property, you can’t own them. they left you/cheated on you because they wanted to. there is nothing you can do about that.
and moeguns is right. no matter who are you with someone is always going to try to take your place. i can’t live my life worrying about who wants to get my girl. if she wants to go then she is free to leave. i have to trust and have faith that she keeps her word and stays committed to our relationship.
“Cheating is a weakness. My advice: stop dating weak individuals.”
I cant co-sign this enough. This is an excellent way to describe cheating. Nice post, slides. ;-p
I don’t really have anything to strongly agree or disagree on but……I’m not Jewish and I’ll take my gift now. LOL
The easiest way not to cheat is to NOT put yourself in the position to do it. I learned this lesson at age 23 (I won’t be providing details though). :-p Chris Rock mentioned once how men are not used to being chased by women. So when we try to run…we end up getting a charley horse (cramp)…and eventually “caught”. The easiest thing to do is not get close enough to have to run. Don’t allow yourself to be alone with that person. No hotels. No cars. Not even the freezer section in the grocery store. A woman will take “matters” into her own hands at any moment if she wants you bad enough. So it’s best if we keep our “matters” at a safe distance.
And thanks for the shout out!
Cosign w/you. Some of the things said in this post make me restate what I said before. “Cheating is a weakness. My advice: stop dating weak individuals.” A lot of women will continue to choose the same type of guy they just left, and will believe that the might of their yoni will change him from a frog into a prince. It just won’t happen. People will not change unless they see something wrong w/what they’re doing, and desire to make a change…and those are just the first steps. Great post. Moeguns….the game-face is on! Thanks guys for the food for thought.
1- I’m converting BACK to Catholicism JUST to claim my Christmas Present. Thanks!
2- While I tend to agree I always bring up the point that it takes two to ruin a relationship, so even the person who is being cheated on needs to take a look at what type of environment was created within that union to make the cheater think it was OK to do so. And then proceed to the butcher block for the biggest, sharpest knife and HANDLE THAT.
That is all.
OK, where to begin? First, I do agree that cheating is a weakness. I don’t know if I agree that it can’t be prevented.
Every person has been equipped with some gauge of right and wrong. Shit, if it feels wrong, it probably is.
If you’re not ready to be monogamous(sp.), then don’t get into a monogamous relationship.
I think the bottom line is people don’t have the conversation of expectations early on and that is what messes people up. I say discuss it up front so that if the shit hits the fan, you’ve got a point of reference.
Great post Reina. Cheating is definitely a choice. If you aren’t happy in the situation that you’re in then remove yourself from it. Karma is a bitch and the pendulum swings both ways. It’s obvious that you are a very secure woman in the way that you handle the trust within your relationships. More woman could take a lesson in that. If he or she cheats then you really must examine what has gone on in the midst of that relationship. There comes a point that you have to just ask yourself the question…Is it really worth losing this person for a few moments of pleasure? We have all failed and fallen short but there does come a time when we have to make grown up decisions and grown up choices. It’s hard to be a grown up sometimes and cheating is high risk reward! Again, great post!
Great post!! My boyfriend is loving your blog, he reads it more than i do. Anyone is capable of anything.We should stop relegating ourselves as 5-0.
Thanks for stopping through. Give my thanks to your boyfriend as well. Hope to see both of you commenting more in the future!