No need for celibacy. Just be more selective.
Posted in Guest Bloggers, It (sex, of course) on 09. Nov, 2009
(Today’s post comes courtesy of J from Truth Merchants)
Most women have either done this or know someone who has. EVERY guy has run into this at some point or another (it’s most aggravating when a jumpoff pulls it).
“I’m celibate right now.”
When a girl decides, for whatever reason, to slow down, put on her flashing lights, and pull the car off the road for a little while. This typically happens after one or a string of bad relationships/sexual experiences.
It’s also completely asinine and utterly ridiculous. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but this needed to be said. It’s the equivalent of telling the mechanic that you’ve heard a sound coming from the engine, and then watching him walk over to the trunk. You’d look around and think, “what the fuck”?? Well ladies…
That’s what I’m doing right now…
If you are upset with the quality of man you’ve been running into…well that’s a legitimate concern (a sound coming from your engine). So why don’t you realize that the problem isn’t THAT you’re fucking…it’s WHO you’re fucking (take your head out of your trunk — pun intended). The key to catching a good man is not between your legs. Don’t let Ashanti fool you! That “good, good” can be found any “where, where”. That doesn’t make you special…and it doesn’t make you better.
YOU MAKE YOU BETTER!
If you want to find a better man, take off the chastity belt and work on YOU! Start by not hitting the same clubs, bars, corners, etc. to find your man. Every place you found a loser…STOP GOING THERE.
Next, be selfish. What do you love to do? What inspires you…motivates you? What have you always wanted to learn about? Figure out what it is, and go do that shit! Do you, girl! Take a yoga class, or a web design class, a cooking class or gardening class. Join a community program or volunteer somewhere. Learn to play an instrument or speak another language.
And that’s when it’ll happen. That’s when you’ll meet him…at that class, or outreach meeting, or music store. And you’ll already be ahead of the game because you have a common interest…a common passion.
I can’t guarantee that he’ll be perfect. Hell, I can’t guarantee you’ll meet a guy at all while you’re doing these things. But odds are…
You will. And if worse comes to worse and no men come of this new strategy? You know what does???
A better you…
“And if worse comes to worse and no men come of this new strategy. You know what does???
A better you…”
That is absolutely profound. I wish I had thought about this with such clarity YEARS ago!
Thank you. I think I can count on 1 hand how many times I’ve been called “profound”. I’d probably still have 4 fingers left.
Ha. My ex tried that “I’m celibate now” mess one time. It used to be understood that when I came to town, if we were both single, it was gonna get poppin’. Then this one time, she’s like “I don’t think that’s a good idea, because blah blah blah..” I forget what she was trying to say but it was more about convincing herself than me. Fortunately, the bartender made a strong martini and we spent the next two days in bed. The grand point of this diatribe is that, yes, people sometimes believe that celibacy is a cure for the negative effects of their own whoredom, when it’s not the sex that’s the problem, it’s the context in which you have the sex that leads to these negative consequences.
Church, Synagogue & Tabernacle!
This blog is not meant to be disrespectful to those that embrace celibacy is a lifestyle. You have my full support on that. It’s addressed at those women who make bad choices in men and have decided to stop having sex but date the same men and still get screwed over. It’s not a lack of sex you need (though you should be abstaining until you’re smarter) but an infusion of common sense.
Definitely a good read! St. Randy, you must be reading my mind. I was that “ex” and as much as I hate to admit it this makes perfect sense:
yes, people sometimes believe that celibacy is a cure for the negative effects of their own whoredom, when it’s not the sex that’s the problem, it’s the context in which you have the sex that leads to these negative consequences.
Maybe men and women need to be on the same page in terms of context when it comes to having sex. Most time, we aren’t.
This reminds me of the “I love Ray J II” show. One of the girls declared that she was celibate and Ray J thought it was interesting that that was the first thing she brought up. I also found it interesting because thats not something I would just bring up just like that.
I had done the celibacy thing for a little while and i do think I did it for the right reason (to regain control of myself and all that great stuff). I do agree that its not engaging in the act thats the problem but who you’re involving yourself with. Bottom line: choose wisely. And of course, always choose what is best for you, your well being and most importantly, your piece of mind.
Fabielicious was once “out of control”. Do tell!! LOL…
Reina crystallized my point to the Tee! If you want to take some time away from the opposite sex to work on you — that’s terrific.
But grasping at celibacy as a cure for the fact that you choose crappy guys — is asinine. That’s all.
So I’m definitely not knocking you or anyone else’s choices.
That said…let’s hear about these “out of control” situations that drove you to celibacy. I was JUST saying on twitter that it’s those sweet looking girls you’ve gotta watch out for — and then in walks Fabie. It’s story time!
Don’t worry, I’ll wait… (c) Katt Williams
HAHAHAHAHA! Did you really have to bring “Fabielicious” up though??!!
Actually, I am quite boring and was speaking of “out of control” in terms of emotionally, sir. Maybe I should be working on those “out of control” moments now…nah, I’m good
Shoo, shoo, nothing to see here…LOL!
Great piece, J! Quite refreshing
I honestly dont see that much of a difference. If fucking is in the equation as part of the problem, and you feel the need to remove it, do so. Who are you hurting? Kinda hard to keep fucking the wrong man if you arent fucking anyone.
Maybe it isnt the problem. Maybe it is. Maybe its just disguising the problem. Who knows? I say do whatever helps you improve.
If fucking is in the equation as part of the problem, and you feel the need to remove it, do so.
I’m not disagreeing. Celibacy is a lifestyle, though. You can’t be celibate until another guy comes along; you fuck him until he dogs you; and then you’re celibate again. That’s dumb.
You should avoid sex until you get your mind right, but GET YOUR MIND RIGHT. Don’t close the store only to reopen it with the same operating procedures.
Claiming celibacy when it isn’t is disrespectful to those that are truly celibate.
Oh ok. I didnt know you meant fraudulent celibacy.
“That “good, good” can be found any “where, where”. ” So true, and is definitely valid b/c there are a slew of women under the misconception that their “good, good” is so potent that it can make a mannaquin flinch, halt the flow of mighty rivers, and can change a frog into a prince. They’re wrong, at least on the last one, and suffer as a result of their own hubris. Great post.
Good point Mark Dub. Good yoni can be found anywhere and it really is interesting that a lot of women have always tried to use good yoni in the attempts to control a man. These are the same ones that when it gets flipped and the guy puts it down on them like it’s never been put down, they are the ones looking like a crack addict. Then after they go go through dick rehab, then they’re screaming about holding the yoni hostage. It’s all just BS. I’m in agreement with this blog in that it is really all about the choices that we make. If you want to learn to breath better then don’t walk into a smoky room. Change the environment and first learn how to breath again!
Great post!
Great points by Mark Dub
I think women (and men) need to be honest with themselves about where sex truly fits in their life.