I Love Me More Than I Love You (Pt. I)
Posted in Dating Perils, Domestic Violence on 04. Aug, 2009
Before I begin, let me alert you to a great post about Domestic Violence on Fly Guy Chronicles today. It’s definitely worth a perusal.
Now onto mine…
So you’re in a relationship. You’ve met the man of your dreams. He’s everything you’ve always wanted. (or what you’ve chosen to settle for) Now you have someone with whom to go to the movies. You have someone to hold you close at night. You have someone to forward your status from ‘single’ to ‘involved’. You have someone you can lord over your single friends. YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP! You GOT a MAN!
*cues Chante Moore’s ‘Chante’s Got A Man’*
Now what does that mean?
That means you now have to sacrifice, compromise. You like horrors; he comedy. You compromise on an action movie. You like Italian; he Chinese. You compromise on Lebanese. Your girl is having a party, but your man had a bad day at work. Guess who’s not going to the party? You really want those new sling-backs at Ferragamo’s, but your guy is short on his rent this month. Guess who’s going to Shoe Station instead?
Giving up a little to gain a lot is okay. It’s acceptable and understood that you will lose a bit of yourself in a relationship. It’s not just you anymore. It’s you and he. The definition of a relationship is too generic. Most dictionaries define it simply as a “connection.” A relationship is legions more than that. It’s the act of giving and gaining. It’s the denial of your base instincts and the election of mutually beneficial alternatives. It’s the forfeiture of what made you you and the ascension of what makes us us.
Sidebar: For those of you shaking your heads and saying that you do not deny part of yourself in your relationship, I’m assuming that neither does your partner. Therefore, you’re not in a relationship. You’re just two people copulating.
How much should one sacrifice in favor of a successful relationship though? That depends on one’s tolerance. It could be simple as giving up a few of your Girls’ Night Outs or as dangerous as abnegating your self-respect. He lies. You disregard it. He cheats. You forgive him. He calls you out of your name. You laugh it off as how you communicate. He criticizes your clothing choices and prefers if you resembled a member of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You’re flattered because he doesn’t want to share you. He dictates where you go and with whom. You convince yourself that you’d rather be cooped up with him watching SportsCenter over and over again.
The aforementioned all depend on your tolerance and forgiving nature. For some women, a few of these may be unforgivable. For others, a few may be understandable.
It will also depend on the plausibility of the offered excuses (or susceptibility of the listener). I am a huge proponent, front-line advocate of women. Yet I am also an unbending critic. We women are inundated during our growing years that happiness lies with having a Prince Charming, that somehow we’re lacking when we’re single. Having a man is a statement to the world that “someone wants us.”
Society’s expectations can drain a woman. I truly believe if women were less concerned about perception, must wouldn’t find themselves settling. This overwhelming, stifling, obsessive desire to have someone is what concerns me. Such desperation is what leads some women to situations that are harmful. When you start valuing another’s perceptions over your own mind and fearing being alone, you can find yourself in an abusive situation. A situation that you refuse to shake because you, my dear, HAVE. A. MAN. (I’ll explore this more in Part II.)
Until then allow me to ask…do you know when to put the kibosh on compromises? Are do you not know until it becomes detrimental?
*waiting impatiently for part 2*
I, for one, dont feel the desperation to have a man. Maybe because I was raised differently? hmmm. Of course I want a man in my life but I dont want one so desperatly that I would just get with anyone. I get lonely, sure. I think about the fact that i dont have a man, sure but I dont obsess over it.
I can definitely relate to being in a relationship where the man was making comments about how I dress (my clothes were always too tight or revealing my body, my having guy friends (he would say that they werent my real friends, they were just waiting to “get with me”), my not going to church (negro didnt even go to church regularly himself! HA!). At the time, I didnt realize how all those comments and his actions correlated and how much it was ruining me as a human being but I did cut it off. It’s been a long time but i still smh at the things that he used to say. I’m glad I am the person I am now. I love myself!!!!!
Ok…I have one succinct thought about this, and this might not mean shit in the end but here goes.
In a great relationship, your mate you allow you to be “you” at all times. I think that’s why most relationships fail because when you try to bend or make someone bend, then it doesn’t work out.
-Ed.
Compromise is essential to any relationship, but what you’re compromising on is key. I think coming to an agreement on extraneous is cool, it’s when you start to cut parts of yourself then there’s a problem.
Shorty doesn’t want you to hit up the strip club with such frequency as when you were single? That’s understandable. If homegirl all of a sudden is censoring your speech and disposition to make you into a Stepford Husband, there’s a problem.
All about the circumstances and importance of what you’re letting go.
To piggy back on Ed’s point…be true to yourself at all times. There is a thing called compromise in a relationship but that does not mean compromise on who you are. If you get so caught up in being the person that your mate wants you to be then you lose yourself until one day you look in the mirror and you don’t recognize yourself.
Man…this post reminds me of a thick-headed friend that I had in high-school. Her first relationship was w/a cat that was 6 years her senior (she was 15; do the math), and beat her like a negro pinata. However, she took it b/c it allowed her the pleasure of telling her peers, “I got a man…a REAL man.” When she finally could see past her own folly, and finally left him, she became wrapped up in one bad relationship after the other, settling for subpar dudes b/c she didn’t like being alone. She’s suffered much for some of her choices, and has spent far too much time in Battered Women’s shelters. Please ladies…it’s far better to be alone than with a loser. At least value yourselves enough to not put yourself in a dangerous situation b/c you’re lonely
I’ve been in an abusive relationship. Actually, I was only physically abused one time (last day we were together), but I was still kicking myself because I should have seen the writing on the wall with his controlling nature. Couldn’t see friends, didn’t like me spending time with my family (run to your mother’s house, then!), etc. I was young and dumb enough then to think that it was part of being in an “adult” relationship – not having any fun and basically giving up my life. Perfect example of “bad compromise”.
Cut to my current boo, and I can see where both of us have made some changes. But change and compromise can be complicated issues: some changes (like not going out to the club so much) were just a natural part of getting older. Some changes are good for you: I quit smoking – can’t say that I did it for him, but he was supportive and probably a reason why I haven’t gone back. Good compromise. But the selfish Aries in me won’t stand feeling held back, or like I’m giving with no reciprocation.
I think the big issue is compatibility. If you don’t have much in common with your mate someone is always going to be sacrificing too much. IMO, if you’re not ready to make some compromises you’re not ready to be in a relationship. And you probably won’t know that about yourself until you give it a try (ok, several tries) and it doesn’t work.
Thanks for sharing this with us. I am sorry that you had to deal with it, but it is a testament to your strength that you only allowed it to happen once. Sometimes, we are all bamboozled.
Compatibility is a huge part of it. Unfortunately, some of us will compromise our individualism to make us seem compatible. I find that detrimental. You should never have to change who you are so that another will find you acceptable.
I will not give up my right to have two gas guzzling cars at any or all times in the relationship. I don’t mean one for me, one for you. I mean two for me. Like you may not have keys to them. Like the kids may not be allowed in one of them. Obviously, you’ll have your car too. I’m not selfish enough that I would have 2 for me and none for you. But I still reserve the right. In exchange, I will say nothing about your handbag and shoe purchases, no matter how gaudy or redundant I may find them.